Hi it's Ash and it's 2am and it's the best time for a ramble.

You are not obliged to read and/or respond to this. Besides, I am not sure if I have said something like this before. I'm getting deja vu.

Anyway, I don't know why I am writing this, nor do I know what I plan to get out of this confession-cum-whining. I guess i'm just kind of clearing out my closet and all the skeletons within before I move on to a new school and new life.

You know what? I even emailed Deborah a few times last month. The correspondence was tense but polite at first, but I must've finally said something to upset her because she didn't reply to my last email. No matter; I already got all the answers I was looking for from her.

Alright, back to focus.

The last four years had been bad for me, no least because I'm not a people person. I'm shy by nature, and everyone who really knows me knows that. Hence, I tend to cling to those that I feel comfortable with rather than go out to search for more, and possibly better friends.

However, I know that you guys are not like me. People naturally love you guys, or at least, admire you. You have hoards of people who could testify to the impact of having you in their lives, even if only for a short while. To put it metaphorically, you guys are butterflies, while I'm in a cocoon, and I like it there, because it's safe there.

That is not to say that I don't have my own friends, but I think I haven't treated many of them very well. This is because I have long since placed both of you on pedestals that no one else can ever reach. Your every friendly gesture and word towards me is amplified a thousand times, whilst theirs is scaled down. The truth is though, that many of these people have treated me better than you two have, yet I haven't given them as much love as I have given you. But err, that's my problem.

Are you still there? Oh, good. Carry on.

On one hand, I know that there really isn't much holding our friendship together, yet on the other, I'd like to believe that it is on a deeper level that transcends the need for constant correspondence. I believe in both of these, depending on my mood.

Would we have been closer if I had not gone to St Nicks? I don't know. Maybe. It certainly would have made things easier on me. It's been really hard not to be able to join in your conversations/gossips about people.

Another question to ask is also whether our difference in personalities makes a difference. Does it? I don't think so. Honestly, I don't know anyone who even remotely likes the things I do, but neither do I expect to find anyone like that, and I certainly don't expect anyone to change for my sake, because to me, it isn't about hobbies or stuff like that.

It's about the fact that I can be honest with you, as I am doing now. I am not going to pretend that I can afford to frequent the places you do, nor am I going to pretend that I can dance (I really can't). And I personally would never paint my nails green. But that's me. I am simply not going to lie to you about who I am, and that's what makes a friendship to me. I am me, and that's all I'm presenting to you.

You may have a different viewpoint, I don't know, we've never discussed it.

But despite all my uncertainties about what this friendship is or if it's good for me, I'm going to try to keep it alive, because I've already invested too much heart in it to give it up.

That's why, as far as possible, I'm going to go to which ever schools you guys are going to. At this point, I'm not going to worry too much about my future, because it would be kinda empty without you guys in it anyway.

*I have much more to say, but this is all I can take for now. I really need to start sleeping regular hours again; this is making me go insane.

Gong Xi Fa Cai

Love. 2:03 AM